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Everything you wanted to know about sex in Missoula but never thought to ask

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Come one, come all! The Boston-based New England Cryogenic Center (NECC) and its subsidiary, the New England Sperm Bank, announced last week that it has acquired Rocky Mountain Cryobank of Jackson, Wyo., giving birth to the nation’s largest pool of eligible sperm donors. According to NECC’s press release, the acquisition of Rocky Mountain Cryobank allows NECC to be “well-positioned to handle the growing needs for cryogenic services” in the Rocky Mountain West.

As for the pedigree of the newly expanded breeding stock, New England Sperm Bank certifies that all donor candidates are rigorously screened to meet stiff criteria (e.g., immaculate health, proper schooling and breeding, a distinguishing palate for fine wines) before becoming eligible for the catalogue of top 100 frozen pops. Prospective mommies and daddies seeking reproductive alternatives to a romantic evening of “Xena: Warrior Princess” and a 12-pack of Steel Reserve can now browse on-line through a list of potential Johnny Appleseeds who can lend a hand in making the garden grow. And with only one in 20 donor applicants having the testicular plenitude and/or post-baccalaureal muscle to make the final cut, potential diaper-changers can rest assured that they are receiving nothing but the cream of the crop, as it were.

One caveat: A quick scan of the company’s preferred depositor list reveals a disproportional number of MBAs and PhDs from Harvard and MIT, leading us to wonder whether in 20 years, we’ll all be watching crew regattas in tweed jackets along the banks of the “Clahk Fahk” River. •••

For those of you who stayed under the covers early Sunday morning and then dozed through the accompanying media barrage, that series of blasts felt up and down the valley were the work of that multifaceted compound known as dynamite—nitroglycerin, or ammonium nitrate, which was invented by the Swedish chemist Alfred Bernhard Nobel in 1866.

This thick, pale yellow liquid has been a great boon to mankind, giving miners and engineers the firepower to blast through solid rock, lay railroad track and highways through the mountains, erect bridges over magnificent gorges, and penetrate deep into the earth in search of ore.

But it may interest you to note that one by-product of the nitroglycerin reaction is nitric oxide (NO) which has a curious property; it is a vasodilator, and is useful in the treatment of angina pectoris (chest pains associated with heart attack), and strangely, erectile dysfunction. In fact, Viagra (sidenafil citrate) works its magic by releasing NO, just like dynamite. In a manner of speaking.

In fact, the effects of the drug now known as Viagra were discovered by researchers who, in studying heart disease, found this exciting side effect. Alfred Nobel himself found it highly ironic that he was to have his discovery, nitroglycerin, prescribed for his own, ahem, angina pectoris.

So, although this is entirely speculation, if you went home from the big discharge Sunday morning feeling a bit randy, you probably weren’t alone. Some 3,000 people may have gotten a big whiff of that lecherous old rejuvenator, NO.

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