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Headlines in the Year Ahead

Our predictions for the biggest news stories of 2001

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Jan. 17, 2001 Burns to Montana: “Gotcha!” “Thanks for the third term, suckers!” Sen. Conrad Burns says from corporate jet after swearing-in. “If you need me, I’ll be at Pebble Beach.”
Feb. 3, 2001 Hells Angels, State of Utah Apologize “We’re really, really sorry about last summer,” says Hells Angels spokesbiker Utah cops send flower wreath, fruit basket to Missoula City Hall
March 23, 2001 Legislature Legalizes “It” To solve budget crunch, Montana pols decriminalize pot Missoula merchants receive emergency shipments of Visine, Cheetos
May 4, 2001 Report: Montana’s Economy Booming Treasure State now ahead of Guam, American Samoa in per capita income
June 22, 2001 Lynyrd Skynyrd Named U.S. Poet Laureate President Bush calls Street Survivors the masterwork of a generation
July 4, 2001 Missoula Hosts National Rain-Man Gathering Garden City visited by thousands of Dustin Hoffman look-alikes Dozens injured in downtown method-acting melee
August 19, 2001 Scientists Unveil “Pre-Burned Trees” Genetic engineers develop already needleless, charred pines Salvage loggers hail, “We thought this day would never come”
September 26, 2001 Nerds Overthrow UM Campus geeks stage coup, cancel all athletic programs Adjuncts re-hired Library now able to purchase entire Time-Life home improvement series
October 11, 2001 City Council Passes Drunkenness Ordinance Public drunkenness now mandatory More drunks downtown will help vagrants blend in, councilors say
November 9, 2001 Missoulian Staff Canned Journalism deemed “redundant” in corporate overhaul Lee Enterprises to fill its newspapers using random word generators
December 12, 2001 Corporations Take Governor’s Office Industry lap dog Judy Martz abdicates “to boost economy” CEOs of ARCO, Sterling Mining now officially in charge

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