I try to stay off Twitter these days because I'm trying to live a more positive and productive life, and getting drunk five nights a week and yelling at strangers on the internet is not an integral part of that plan. Also, my family members have started following me and "liking" my tweets about farts and cussing, which makes the prospect of doing tweets about farts and cussing—otherwise a large part of my brand—rather less enticing.
As a result, I spend more time on Facebook, yelling at the friends and relatives of people I care about, because I give very few fucks at this particular juncture, and if your ex-husband thinks bitches need to "settle down" about that Google dude who Gmailed his Google colleagues about how women are naturally bad at computers, I have no qualms whatsoever about giving him a piece or two of my mind. I love going on Facebook to yell at Uncle Breitballs.
But this afternoon I logged on to find my friend Dan asking a question that, to be honest, I was not planning on entertaining. I was just gonna pop in to tell some middle-aged white women with MAGA avatars to fuck off and go about my day. Instead, Dan asked: "How scared are you, right now, of yourself or someone you love dying because of a nuclear war?"
Wait. Does Dan mean, like, the residual low-level fear of knowing that a man with the moral and emotional strength of cheap toilet paper has the nuclear codes? Or, like, did a thing happen?
A thing happened. North Korea says they're gonna attack Guam, and Donald Trump is going to blow up the entire goddamned planet to teach North Korea a lesson. Or is it just a couple of wildly insecure men who don't give a fuck about turning the mental health and physical safety of tens of millions of people into collateral damage in their dim-dude pissing contest?
I decided to make pickles, because either I'm going to eat the pickles or the people who ransack my decimated home in the aftermath of a nuclear strike will eat the pickles. They will have Joshua McFadden's Six Seasons cookbook to thank for them.
1/2 cup rice vinegar
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar (I used sherry vinegar, who cares)
1 1/2 cups hot water (I used hot tap water, I guess you could kettle it)
5 tablespoons sugar (I might have accidentally used six)
1 tablespoon kosher salt
Some green beans or carrots or radishes or whatever else you ripped from the limp grip of a neighbor dying of radiation poisoning
Also some garlic cloves, smashed
Put all that shit together and stir it until the seasonings dissolve. Put your veggies in a jar with the smashed garlic cloves and pour the brine over it all. Refrigerate and eat until your extremities wither.
Resistance Kitchen is a blog about food, rage and politics at resistancekitchen.tumblr.com. Andrea Grimes is a journalist for hire, Bloody Mary expert and Texpat living in the Bay Area.