Still shopping for that hard-to-buy-for person on your April Fool’s Day list? The recent Seattle earthquake may have done a number on Pioneer Square, but we’re proud to announce that the Jet City’s finest source of rubber cockroaches, space mucus, comb-over wigs and deluxe rubber chickens, Archie McPhee, is still going strong. If you’re plugged in, you can check out their mind-scrapingly neato website at www.mcphee.com, or you can just send away for their catalogue: Archie McPhee, P.O. Box 30852, Seattle, WA 98103. Gifts and gags for every price range, but consider yourself warned: Everything in this catalogue is so must-have, your checkbook’ll be plowing into the red before you know what hit you.
If money is no object, sign up now to reserve your personal copy of the latest automotive craze, the hellstompin’ grandaddy of all phallus-extenders—I mean, off-road vehicles: the Unimog. Competitively priced in the neighborhood of $84,000, this Mercedes-Benz creation will be marketed in the United States next year by MB subsidiary corporation Freightliner LLC, perhaps better known as the nation’s biggest manufacturer of 18-wheelers. With a front seat perched six feet off the ground, a built-in three-step ladder to get into the cab and an impressive 10 miles per gallon of diesel fuel, nothing says, “Gee, sorry about that penis” with the pronounced Teutonic accent of the Unimog! It’s all about size, and it’s practically guaranteed to make every King Cab-driving man on the block cast those furtively appraising locker-room eyes in your fella’s direction. Freightliner LLC is officially marketing this abomination—which weighs about as much as two Chevy Suburbans— as a commercial vehicle, just as it has been since in Germany since 1955, and customer service representatives claim that that the Unimog will meet all U.S. laws for emissions, size, weight and other commercial vehicle requirements. However, the company also expects to sell about 250 vehicles out of the initial factory run of 1,000 to people who simply like to flaunt the fact that they’ve got more money than common sense—or arguably anything else, for that matter. He’ll love ya for it, ladies!
And, menfolk, if you’re still searching for just the right gift to tell your best gal you think she’s got the fashion sense of Cyndi Lauper fighting with a transvestite rodeo clown, the search is over. Slip her into a pair of cowboy boot/cross trainer hybrids from Tony Lama and watch her dissolve into your lovin’ arms. The winsomely-named “Teny Lama” line boasts functional bottoms with 13-inch fancy-stitched leather shaft in a rainbow of color choices. They’ve even got EVA-brand orthotic inserts (orthotic? Is that even a word?) to keep you gliding from one high-fashion gig to the next, and they’re attractively priced from just $69.99! Call 1-800-835-4004 to order—we think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Happy April Fool’s Day, readers. Just one thing, though—these gifts are totally for real!