You know, a guy needs something to wear when he’s out ankling around at all of those fundraisers. I mean, there are a couple thousand nonprofit groups out there stumping for money, and a fella needs some slick togs to wear around, whether he’s plying a crowd for cash or just doing his part by ponying up for a hundred-buck-a-plate dinner. (Or, parking cars for people who do.) And anyway, there’s nothing that says you can’t wear a tux to the casino down the street, so you can bust some cool James Bond moves and act like a high-roller at the video keno machines. But if you wanna look the part, it’s gonna cost ya: a full tux in ultra-fine wool, including pants, shirt, jacket, bow tie and cummerbund rings up at a full $499.95. Better start cashing in those keno receipts, cool guy.
What You Get Tux, Western-Style
Well, maybe you weren’t cut out for luxury. But hopefully, you got style. ‘Cause it takes a certain kind of guy to pull off this look—an iridescent, two-tone Western formal jacket, complete with breast vents and textured yoke over the shoulders. Available in black, charcoal, blue and heather brown. And none of that pansy wool stuff here, this baby is 100 percent polyester, with an all-acetate lining. Mmmm. Acetate. So maybe it’s not what you had in mind, but you’ll find a use for it. Maybe you can learn the guitar and become a rockabilly star. Or maybe you could just teach yourself to talk real fast and then start some kind of high-end cattle auction. Whatever it is, you’ll look sharp doing it. It’s available for $129.99, wherever discriminating two-steppers get their threads. (BdeP)
The TiVo Personal TV Service
What You Want A 42-inch Plasma Screen Flat Television
This streamlined, gas-filled wonder is a mere four inches thick and can hang on the wall, the ceiling, the side of your hot tub gazebo (see below) or practically any flat surface that can support a hook or nail. It features a five-speaker Surround Sound system with sub woofers and can display two side-by-side video images simultaneously in the 9-by-16-inch HDTV format of feature films. This techno marvel retails for a cool $15,000—one salesman told us that Denny Washington has bought two—which leaves you to wonder why anyone that wealthy with a house that big would be at all concerned about conserving space. One drawback (besides the jaw-dropping price): It’s not HDTV and standard broadcast television images appear unnaturally wide and elongated. As though Denny cares if Diane Sawyer looks a bit chubby.
What You Get The TiVo Personal TV Service
And you thought there was no way of boosting the IQ on your home idiot box. With TiVo, artificial intelligence meets couch potato, allowing you to control exactly what, when and how you watch the tube. For example, you can pause a live football game in progress to run to the store for another case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, then return and pick up where the game left off without missing a single concussion, compound fracture or groin pull. You can view images in slow motion, zoom in on a noteworthy image and record up to 14 hours of programming in digital (DVD) quality without the hassle of videotapes. Best of all, TiVo is programmable to select and record shows by actor, director and subject matter, be it stock car racing, game shows or “When Good Pets Go Bad.” Over time, TiVo learns what you like and what you’ll surf past, and in no time has your viewing habits down to a science. Drawbacks: Watching TV burns fewer calories than sleeping, and TiVO will not lift your lard ass off the sofa to dial 911 when years of salty snacks and an acute myocardial infarction lays you out like a salmon filet. Retails at $499, plus $9.95/month subscription. (KP)
A Pine Log Chair
What You Want An Eames Leather Lounger
So maybe you’ve never heard of it, but if you don’t want it, you got no class at all. Among those in the know, it is the most prized possession you could buy—and then sit on. Designed in 1956 by famed filmmaker/architect/designer Charles Eames, the Eames Leather Lounger has come to be looked upon by many as the sine qua non of contemporary American furniture design—rich black leather, sleek cast aluminum and elegantly shaped arcs of rosewood. Eames actually had to invent a machine to bend the wood to make this chair, all so your lazy ass could be cradled in ergonomically perfect quiescence. There’s even one on display, believe it or not, in New York’s Museum of Modern Art. So what’s not to love? It’s slick. It’s stylish. It’s rare. It’s $3,000. On second thought, maybe I’ll just stand.
What You Get A Pine-Log Chair
You know, there’s a lot to be said for the rustic look. This handcrafted pine-log sitting chair offers the same gluteal support as Eames’ leather throne, but with a lot more character and fortitude. Check it out: You got your all-wood construction, your clear pine finish, and your genuine Montana craftspersonship—all designed and fashioned the way mountain men having been hewing furniture in these parts for a hundred years, or at least since it became fashionable. Plus, you can find them for around $300. What, you think your butt’s gonna know the difference? (BdeP)
A Toasty Fleece Jacket
What You Want The Latest Fancy Women’s Overcoat
You know you deserve it, and you know you’d look hot as hell in it. Um, in the good way. Kenneth Cole’s latest design for women’s outerwear has the most mindbendingly stupid name ever—“Veroni-coat Hamel” (after the lawyer/love interest in “Hill Street Blues,” remember her?)—but it’s got what you want: tapered English domestic lambskin (you like lambs, dontcha?), with hidden snaps, inseam pockets and lining everywhere to keep you nice and hot. Um, in the literal sense. The downside? The high price. How’s $460 sound? Bone-chilling, huh?
What You Get A Toasty Fleece Jacket
OK, as great as that fancy coat would look on your comely frame, you know you weren’t cut out for the frilly stuff. And besides, your boyfriend doesn’t have that kind of scratch. So how about something that appeals to your real life, as well as that sporty, sexy esprit of yours? Like a new Patagonia jacket, with full lining, zip-front and tons of fuzzy fleece (you like fleece dontcha?). All for about one-fifth the price of that fancy coat that no one in her right, unbleached head would actually buy—except maybe that cheerleader in middle school whose ass you used to kick in kickball. Remember her? (BdeP)